Listening to: Heart of Darkness - Ashbury Heights
CW: theres descriptions of SA mentioned in this ough sorryThere's a loud thought that's been plauging my head for the past 4 years, especially in the middle of 2025!! Consuming media about dark topics like murder, death, gore is so normalized in the american culture. So be default, it's like... you watch that stuff? W/e, thats not like, that fucked up. People explore dark topics in fiction all the time, making it so in-depth and reached into the artsy crevices of their mind to write something so raw and real to the human condition. But the loud thoughts I have are: When does it go too far? Where is the line drawn until it gets too fucked up? And does enjoying something in fiction make you a bad person?
Gonna spit out everything bluntly to avoid beating around any bushes when I talk about any of this, just to get my brain words out.
I made and designed a shooter character, being inspired by a song with the title and theme being about exactly that. The song was made in 2020, and I first heard it in 2022 and got instantly struck with inspiration and made Unhappy Employee. I felt SO MUCH FUCKING GUILT FOR IT!! Constantly asking myself if it was allowed for me to make something like this, or even sexualizing them?? My close friends liked them, and thought the character was funny. But I was so so so fucking worried my less close friends would call me FUCKED UP for making somethign wretched like this. I was worried they were gonna see me as some weird true crime fan who idolized the columbine shooters. Or any shooters of that matter.
The shooters, obviously, disgusted me to my very core. The one specific shooter who was obsessed with Ember from the fairly odd parents (not worth going down that fucking rabbit hole, trust me), haunted my being, knowing he was an artist like me. My last fear was being accused of fetishizing it or something.
However, to my surprise, MY FRIENDS LOVED MY CHARACTER ANYWAY?? I would beat around the bush about what they were, but I would at least say "they dont like their job, they want to kill the CEO" (this was before the UHC shooter lol) Drawing them with a gun, showing them shooting the heads off of people. Drawing them in slutty clothes. I felt like there was something WRONG with me or something.
I ended up feeling more okay about it than I did back then. No one cared about the morality of me making this OC, and I shouldnt either. I draw murder and shit, it's part of my artistic "brand" I guess. It's really no big deal.
BUT... BUT THEN... but then.,, hooo boy. I had a bad day one day after becoming unemployed, and decided to play Monster X Mediator. And became OBSESSED with the monster in room 001 (NauseAxe_404, or 404). UTTERLY obsessed, entranced, it had a death grip on my brain and I couldnt explain why. I remember the moment when I got the ending where the player dies from 404 tearing them apart after... "trusting into them" (semi-quoted from the game). I sat there stunned, wide-eyed. I metaphorically turned to my friend (it was a VC), clenching every part of my body and covering my face and told her "Oh....oh nooooo.... I liiiike himmmm..."
From that point on, I started questioning what was wrong with me. This character STALKS you online, says he can't live without your writing. and he FUCKING RAPES YOU in an ending. That was, partially, my fucking trauma. WHY DID I LIKE IT?? WHY?? My friend consoled me, telling me I was fine and normal!! That I shouldn't be so worried about it. But like, I needed to know what that meant about me, who I was, what kind of monster I might be to like something like that.
Just like any person who starts hyperfixating on something, I browsed his tags and explored the fandom. I saw the dev had warnings of having taboo subjects and warnings of dead dove/darkfic things on her social media. That's considerate, at least she does that. I would also notice how much harassment she gets from people, for making characters like this. They would accuse her of being a bad person, and send her death threats over it.
I'd explore how the fans talk about why they liked 404, for very similar reasons to me!! Wether you're a victim of something of the sort or not, these things in fiction are harmless. It doesn't influence you irl, or make you an evil person. I remembered this clip from tuca and bertie. It's about being in control, because it's in your head, or in fiction.
The human mind is capable of thinking of anything and everything, and having uncomfortable, disturbing thoughts. However, I think (at least speaking from my own personal experience) if you are an empathetic, nice and caring person, who does their best to not harm anyone, and you work hard to be that person, that it will be okay.
When I was 13, I hyperfixated on Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, a graphic novel by Jhonen Vasquez. It was one of the first times I fixated on something that's about a killer who didn't kill people for a good reason. He killed because he HATED people, or simply killed people because they made him mad. And despite being an angry teenager and feeling like I related to it, I felt SO MUCH guilt about it!! I felt like I was turning into some kind of evil person for obsessing over something so violent and cruel. I was so so so worried to the point when I was hyper-self aware of everything I ever did. I didn't want to turn into a killer. I didn't want to take people's lives, and I certainly didnt want to lose my mind and hurt others.
However, I learned that my moralities never changed. I never lost my mind or killed everyone in my school or something. I never hurt those I loved. I was still the best person I tried to be, not committing any actual crimes or something. The comic was only a special interest, an outlet for my anger about my teenage life, and nothing more.
Honestly the discussion of wether or not its moral to consume things like this feels verrry very close to the satanic panic. ALSO, I think as long as you have the right content warnings on your piece of media, or your social media where you talk about it and consume it, I think you you can't cause any real harm to others. Other than like, annoy them or something. Which isn't harm.
I'm bad at writing conclusions and I tired myself out lol. Ive been wanting to write about this for a while ouuugh.
-9:32 PM